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religu-lol

• God: Hey Jews.
• Jews: Hey.
• God: So listen guys, I'm thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.
• Jews: What?
• God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.
• Jews: We don't follow.
• God: Okay, work with me here guys. Remember the whole ‘angry God' thing?
• Jews: Vividly.
• God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-
• Jews: Yeah.
• God: And forty years in the-
• Jews: We remember that.
• God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.
• Jews: Wait, what?
• God: Whoops, forget I said that. "Spoiler Alert", am I right?
• Jews: ...
• God: Anyway, we're going to re-work this whole “God- thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.
• Jews: So, like...?
• God: For example, I'm super chill now, for some reason. Plus there's a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He's my son, and he's God too, or something. It's complicated, ok?
• Jesus: Yo.
• Jews: I think we'll stick with the old one here.
• God: Look, I love the brand loyalty Jews, I really do. But this whole “God- thing isn't playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.- generations.
• Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!
• God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…
• Jews: This…goes against everything you've ever told us.
• God: No it doesn't, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you're going to die.
• Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!
• God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.
• Jews: Who?
• God: Right, he's another new character. He's like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We're arch enemies.
• Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That's really stupid.
• God: Shut up, Jesus. Andwhat would you know? You're made of bread and wine.
• Jesus: What? Why?
• God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren't cheap.
• Jews: I'm sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?
• God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb.
• Jews: You made, like, five.
• God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.
• Jews: Couldn't you have been clearer then?
• God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole 'creation' thing anyway.
• (pause)
• Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.
• God: Awesome! 'Most Jews', aka 'New Christians'-
• New Christians: We're what now?
• God: You won't regret this guys, I have the whole thing planned perfectly
• Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!
• God: ...
• New Christians: ...
• God: You're going to love it.

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